With Love and Regrets, Tony
by wavingthroughawindow
Summary: Looking back on what he did during the civil war... well, he has regrets. He writes to his family, the Avengers, to explain his actions, and why, if given a second chance, he would do it all the same.


**mailto: Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Wanda Maximoff, Thor Odinson, Bruce Banner**

 **cc: Pepper Potts, James Rhodes**

 **Subject: …**

Dear Team,

Equations and logic. That's what my world has always consisted of.

Even when I was a child, the equations always spoke to me. After all, they were always constant. They never changed. They would win me everything important, I always thought. An education. Fame. Notoriety.

It was harder with people. No equation could parameterize them. They were unpredictable, so how could I plan my responses?

But then again, how could I not? After all, I had been born with the spotlight on me. It had never been a choice. History _always_ had its eyes on me. I could never slip up.

And thus Tony Stark was born. On a contradiction.

There was never any room for emotion. Reply, respond, deflect. Don't look bad for the media. It seemed spontaneous enough to people. But it was just logic, straightforward logic, that encompassed me. Every single time.

That's why… when I got kidnapped… it surprised the heck out of me. Fear? What is that? I was the Merchant of Death, after all. A pampered prince. So I should be fearless, shouldn't I? A better person would have reacted differently. They would have figured everything out without, well, causing as much damage as me. Without changing internally at all. But at the end of the day, I'm me. And what happened happened. I wish I could be better. I can't.

Fear. Fear, fear, fear. It's all that surrounded me when I came back home. Then I saw Pepper. And for the second time in three weeks, I _felt_. Really felt.

This woman, for all that I had ignored her… she had missed me. And she would have mourned me, had I died. I hadn't felt that kind of belonging… well… ever. Tony Stark had always operated alone.

And it was still logic that prompted me to call the press conference. Logic that prompted me to stop selling weapons. But for the first time in my life, I felt an _impulse_. It called to me. I mostly ignored it, but… it was nice to know it was there.

Then I met all of you. And honestly? I _hated_ your guts.

I hated you, I hated you, _I hated you_ for being real heroes. For being everything that I never could be. And I still really didn't get this whole _emotions_ thing. Hatred… jealousy… they were all the same thing to me, and they confused the heck out of me. I hated that. I hated not knowing what I felt, what I would do.

But… you stood by me. Even when I didn't stand by you. And… when you did that, it wasn't a choice for me anymore. I would stand by you. No matter what. It was logic now. We were sisters and brothers in battle.

That's why… Ultron… it killed me. Every decision I made regarding his creation… it was logic. Pure, simple reasoning. For the first time in my life, it failed me. You all hated me for it. You were right, you were right, you were right a thousand times over. But you will never understand. Logic… it is the good side of me. My impulses… are something you do not want to see.

Unfortunately, I cannot protect the people I love from my goddamn impulses. They are wrong, they are wrong every single time. But they still exist, to hurt, to kill, to destroy.

It seemed on the surface that I chose to sign the accords because of logic. At least, it seemed that way to me. I thought it was all about checks and balances and division of power. I fooled myself, can you believe? But I was acting on impulse. I wanted to protect the world from my idiocy. A primal command, protection. Every decision I have made in the civil war, it has been impulse. But that week… my life went to hell.

I am not sorry for trying to murder Steve, because I would do it again, to avenge my parents. Even though I know it achieves nothing, they are my _parents_. Part of me will never come to terms with how they died. What hurts me, Steve, is that I don't think our friendship can never go back to what it was. I am fooling myself into thinking that time will heal everything. Maybe I am right. Probably not, though.

I know. I _know_ you will choose Steve over me, and I know you will choose him every single time without batting an eyelash. And yes, it hurts. But I know you are making the right decision. You are sticking with the stronger leader, the better man. I just hope you know that you are my sisters and brothers in battle, and I would die for you a thousand times over, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I am sorry that I cannot be a better man. I am sorry that I am inherently flawed, that neither my logic nor my impulses do anyone any good. I am sorry for being a terrible leader, a terrible Avenger, and a terrible person. But I cannot switch sides. For the good of the world, I cannot be unchecked. I am sorry.

One final thought: why am I writing this? Logic, or impulse? I think it is a little bit of both. But I am not sure.

With love and regrets,

Tony Stark

* * *

 **mailto: Tony Stark**

 **Subject: Re: …**

Tony -

First of all, if you're trying to resign, we unanimously refuse to accept that. You're stuck with us, whether you like it or not.

I've been elected spokesperson for the team, so I'm writing from my heart, and everyone is behind me, nodding in agreement. Except Wanda, but she's… well… Wanda. I suspect it will take her some time to warm up to you, after all that happened. But her heart is in the right place.

I know we didn't get off to a great start. I know it doesn't always seem like I am on your side. But no matter what, you are my brother in battle. I will always die for you, I would always do anything for you.

I don't say this lightly, so don't you dare take it lightly. Tony Stark, I am _proud_ to know you. I am proud to be your friend.

I will not stand by every single one of your decisions. I will not even sympathize with them. You do make mistakes, that is true. Just like every single person. And whatever it is, you always have your reasons. I will never be able to understand them. I doubt any of us will, save Pepper. But they are your reasons, they are your beliefs. So stand by them. Do not doubt yourself.

You probably know I don't let people in easily. That's something we both have in common. The Avengers… you are my family. Our friendship… it is _unconditional_ to whatever stupid mistakes you make. ;) I will always be here for you.

And regarding your whole philosophical debate of logic and impulses (I hope you hear my eyeroll). Tony, you are at your _best_ when you allow yourself to be both logical and impulsive. Do not force yourself to be one or the other.

-Natasha

* * *

 **mailto: Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Wanda Maximoff, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Thor Odinson**

 **Subject: Re: …**

Hello again,

Pepper told me to send you all a message clarifying that no, I do not intend to resign. So you guys are stuck with me, too. ;)

You guys are my family as well, and I am proud to know each and every one of you. I don't say this often, but your words mean a lot to me.

Hope we can go blow some shit up together soon ;) (Pepper is watching me type this. She claims I'm drunk. Disclaimer, I am not drunk.)

Your friend,

Tony

P.S. Since this is probably our last message in this emotional email thread, I feel obligated to add a "happily ever after" statement to this. It's complete BS, but hey, BS is what I'm good at. So here goes.

And thus we lived happily ever after, fighting the forces of evil, till the end of our days.

* * *

 **Hey readers! So what did you think?**

 **After watching Civil War, I had so many feels that I just had to write this. I, for one, have always been on Team Iron Man over Team Cap, but in Civil War, Tony did some things that even I couldn't get behind (locking Wanda up, for one). I strongly believe that his heart is in the right place, though, so this story was born. I hope you like it!**

 **If you like it, please review! :) It means a lot to me.**

 **Shoutout to AvocadoGoddess who a) beta-read and b) gave me an awesome idea for the title!**

 **That's all, and stay beautiful!**

 **-wavingthroughawindow**

 **[Updates to this story were small and inconsequential word swaps.]**


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